Navigating Manipulation: Handling Conflict with Difficult Personalities
I believe that resolving conflicts is one of the most important aspects of building long-term romantic relationships, especially when one partner starts using manipulation.
I believe that resolving conflicts is one of the most important aspects of building long-term romantic relationships, especially when one partner starts using manipulation. I think everyone has encountered manipulation in conflicts—if not with a romantic partner, then with parents, children, colleagues, or friends. Here are three main ways to recognize when your opponent starts manipulating:
When you raise an issue during a conflict, and your partner suddenly starts blaming you for every possible thing unrelated to the topic of discussion: This often starts with phrases like, “Oh, but you…”—followed by a flood of accusations about how you allegedly failed to do something or did it wrong.
Scientific context: This behavior aligns with what psychology describes as a "defense mechanism," specifically projection. Projection shifts the focus away from the manipulator, transferring the blame or problem onto another person. Research shows that such mechanisms are often triggered when criticism touches on a person's insecurities or vulnerabilities (Cramer, 2000).
When your partner assumes a “victim role”: Instead of discussing the issue at hand, the conversation shifts to analyzing how difficult your partner’s life is, what childhood traumas they endured, or how hard it is for them to cope with current struggles.
Scientific context: Emotional redirection or “guilt induction” (Schwartz et al., 2017) is a common manipulation tactic. Studies indicate that some people adopt the victim role to evade responsibility for their actions. This tactic often relies on evoking empathy and diverting attention from the original conflict.
When you are insulted as a person: Your partner uses labels that demean you as an individual, often leveraging the most painful experiences or secrets you’ve shared with them. This might include remarks about your appearance or deeply personal issues. For instance, “You’re such an idiot if you think this is the right time to bring this up,” or “You’re just like your father” (if the partner knows you have a troubled relationship with your father).
Scientific context: Verbal aggression is a well-documented manipulation technique used to dominate a conflict (Infante, 1987). By attacking someone’s personality, the manipulator provokes emotional distress, impairing the person’s ability to respond rationally.
What to Do When You Notice Manipulation in a Conflict?
The first and most critical step is to understand that manipulation is a defense mechanism. Essentially, it indicates that the criticism you’ve expressed is too painful for your partner to handle—either because of their personal insecurities or because the topic itself is sensitive. However, this does not mean you should back down or avoid discussing topics that matter to you or where you need to set boundaries.
Effective Steps Based on My Practice and Experience
Clearly identify what is happening and express that you’ve noticed it: It’s crucial to verbalize what you observe, as strong emotions during a conflict can cloud awareness of what’s going on. For instance, you could say, “I see that you’re starting to blame me for things unrelated to our discussion,” or “It seems like we’re drifting from the main issue to your personal struggles, which is not the topic right now.”
Scientific context: Research on conflict resolution (Gottman, 1999) has shown that clearly articulating the situation helps prevent further escalation. When manipulation is called out, it becomes more challenging for the manipulator to continue using their tactics.
Try to bring the conversation back to the issue that started the conflict: If your partner returns to the topic and you can continue discussing it constructively, proceed with the conversation.
Scientific context: Refocusing on the issue is one of the key strategies for successful conflict resolution (Rogers & Farson, 1987). It helps avoid emotional diversion and facilitates problem-solving.
End the discussion if manipulations persist: If you notice that your partner keeps circling back to manipulations or switching tactics—this happens quite often—state firmly, “We’re not talking about me or you right now; let’s focus on the issue.” If this doesn’t work, disengage from the conversation.
Scientific context: Studies on conflict escalation (Van Kleef et al., 2004) indicate that pausing or ending the conversation is an effective strategy when the situation becomes overly tense or destructive.
Be prepared for the manipulator’s “last word”: Manipulative individuals often feel the need to “win” the argument. Even if you disengage, they may still try to throw in one last insult, claim to be the ultimate victim, or accuse you of something unrelated to the conflict. This might combine all their manipulation tactics into one final attempt.
Scientific context: This behavior reflects emotional dominance strategies (Kowalski, 2001). Manipulators often use such tactics to maintain a sense of superiority or to frame themselves as the “victor” in the argument.
The Art of Manipulation in Negotiations: A Practical Example
Here, I’ve outlined some direct observations, but manipulators are often masters at subtly twisting the situation. During a discussion, you might not even notice how they turn a single fact or opinion against you, leading to a point where you seem to contradict yourself. After such conflicts, you might leave thinking you’ve reached an agreement, only to realize later that no problem was actually solved.
The best example of this, in my opinion, is visiting a market in Egypt. A vendor starts chatting with you, skillfully steering the conversation, and before you know it, you leave with a bag full of items you didn’t need and an empty wallet, having failed to buy what you originally wanted or what your loved ones asked for.
Scientific context: This process aligns with Cialdini’s (2001) principles of persuasion. His research demonstrates how subtle influence tactics, such as “social commitment” or “the desire to be agreeable,” are expertly exploited by manipulators.
When I was studying negotiation techniques, this was one of the clearest lessons on how manipulation operates. The best negotiators have mastered this art, making it their way of life. If you establish boundaries with such people, they will often cut off communication entirely because they realize they cannot “sell” you anything.
How to Resist Manipulation?
Do not take anything said during an argument with a manipulator personally. Manipulators often project their own insecurities and flaws onto you. They frequently exhibit personality traits linked to egocentrism, narcissism, or even psychopathy.
Scientific context: Narcissistic and psychopathic traits are strongly associated with manipulative behavior (Paulhus & Williams, 2002). Such individuals exploit others’ vulnerabilities to maintain control and assert dominance.
If you touch on a sensitive topic, postpone the discussion. This is particularly useful if manipulation is not a recurring behavior and you generally manage to reach compromises.
Summary
The art of manipulation, whether in conflicts or negotiations, is rooted in psychological mechanisms designed to destabilize others’ rational thinking. Scientific research confirms that these behaviors are deliberate and often deeply ingrained. Resilience to manipulation and setting clear boundaries are essential tools for maintaining control in conflicts and pursuing constructive solutions.